I don't truly know my reasons for writing this. Therapy, sense of mind, assurance. Those all might be factors going into this mini-post, but I do know one thing, that this story is a story dire to my mental health. I am not quite at the place to talk about what kept me from my blog for the entirety of February, but I am comfortable talking about where I am now, and what got me here. I don't expect this post to be long, or factual, but I do hope that some people can resonate with my truth, learn from me, and grow within themselves personally.
A month or maybe two ago, my life went through some very dramatic changes. It was like someone just filled my life up to the brim with obsidian. Some days I did not know where I was going to sleep, what I was going to eat, where I was going to get my school work done, and for a seventeen-year-old that can be a lot. This took a major blow to my mental health, one I still feel like I am in recovery from. You never realize how important your mental health can be until you lose it. I hadn't realized what I was going through. I was blaming everything on myself. To go back, I felt trap in a reality of my own doing, which I truly was and to some extent, I still am. I am able to admit that the circumstances I found myself in were from my own doing, but I was unable to truly admit that at the time due to the fog that was clouding my brain. This fog was my emotions. They had taken control of me. I became manic, paranoid, irritable, restless, and lost. I felt lost within myself. I had no idea whether I was coming or going, up or down, and it felt like every time I would get myself together, the world would knock me back down again, so I became complaint with staying down, holding my head low, letting things pass me by.I turned distant, unbothered, unphased, lazy, sluggish. I was still experiencing all these emotions, but it didn't look like it. It looked like I was just waiting for time to run out, and for the next phase of life to come, and in some ways I was. I no longer had ambition to get after my dreams, my interest, to reach out to the people who cared for me. I didn't see the point. Sounds familiar? Yeah, it's easy to fall into this. Way too easy, and the worst part is that you don't even know that you are there. Maybe no one else knows you are there. I know no one knew for me. It's dangerous territory. You feel as if you have nothing to lose, what I am describing has been diagnosed as depression, but I will get into that a bit more in my next part.
So, moving on from the Fall, I did not know I was really struggling. I thought this was normal for where I was at. I lost everything, of course, I should be sad. But the thing is, you should not lose the motivation to live, continue, love, experience, and it took me a while to realize it. One day, I had gotten in this pretty heated fight with my mother. Leaving it, I felt worthless, less than, unworthy, but more than normal. I knew that whatever I was feeling was extremely wrong and mentally, that I was in a terrible place. On my drive to my aunt's house, I would expeditiously call myself a reckless driver, and when I arrived at my aunt's in one piece having harmed no car or human, I realized there was a problem. I was now aware. Looking at my behavior for the past month, the missing assignments, the emails from teachers, the absence from my normal activities, the disconnect between my closest friends. It all added up. I was not myself and now I knew it. I was currently not on speaking terms with my mother and had no money of my own, so I needed to find a way to combat my problems without her help or any form of payment. I was also aware of the National Suicide Help Prevention Line (800-273-8255), but I was not in the place to take any drastic action, I just needed help to understand what was going on with me before it got to that point, so I went to the internet, the best problem solver since the portable radio. Upon researching, testing, wash, and repeat for about 2 hours, I found an app perfect for me. An app that has features to track my mental health WHILE improving it at the same time. The app is called Sanavello. It made me take an initial assessment, which was about 45 questions to assess where I was mentally. From my answers, it told me that I could be suffering from extreme anxiety and depression, but I would need to go see a true professional to get a guarantee. For that, I did not have the money, so I took it for its word. Wrong or right something was wrong and I was desperate for a change, so I took its courses that were designed for people suffering from extreme anxiety and depression, and wow, you could see the difference from that first session. I was a whole separate person from there. The weight lifted off of my shoulders was incredible. From there, I began engaging more on my blog, in class, at home, at rowing, and taking a bit larger interest in life as a whole. I will still say I have my days with struggles, but I am able to find the meaning in my life much easier, which makes a lot of what I have to face insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Sanavello helped me grow, mature, identify with my emotions and for that, I thank them.
This part is really the part that is up to me. I am living it. I can say that being on the other side is amazing. I see life completely different now. I will not say that I am happy that I went through these struggles for months at a time, but I will be thankful for what they brought with them. Closing a gloomy and heavy part of my life has brought me strength, wisdom, and hope. Knowing that I went through all of that almost completely by myself, and was able to drag myself back to higher ground, makes anything seem possible. I am a better person today because of what I went through yesterday. Of course, not every day is peaches and cream and I am always happy. I am still paying the consequences of my actions from months ago, but now I can do it while still being me. I am able to balance the hardships with the feats, the highs and the lows, the challenges and the rewards of my life equally, and look at them without the fogginess of the many emotions ravaging my mind. This clarity is something that can and will bring you happiness even through the deltas you may be facing. I am proud of who I am, and what got me here, but it is only through constant self-awareness, frequent self-love, and honest and clear reflection time, that I can stay here. My emotions still creep up on me every now and again, but as long as I have my Sanavello and my water bottle, I know I can make it through.
Wow, writing that meant a lot to me. Thank you if you finished the entirety of it. I want to point out that this is in no way a paid promo from Sanavello, I am just a happy customer, leaving a long-ass review. Haha. Seriously, I want us to be a tight-knit community of social justice warriors, and I know that the path of social justice can be a difficult and trying way, but I am here for you. We are here for you. Feel free to reach out in any way you can, insta dms and comments, blog comments, tik tok dms and comments, my blog chat feature. I will respond as quickly as I possibly can. If you ever have suicidal thoughts or contemplating the idea of killing yourself, call this number for help and assistance: 800-273-8255. I love you all and I want to keep you all, so stay safe, please!